What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 11:36
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
I think the readers, may guess!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Utah health officials monitoring potential measles exposure in southwestern Utah - KSL.com
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
And i lived it daily.
She found it foreign!.
How can I be okay with being ugly? What is the bright side?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
So, i spoilt her more .
What baseball stories from the early days of the sport seem too bizarre to be true?
I have no regrets .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Are judges being lenient on hard criminals?
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Apple’s 2024 M4 MacBook Pro with a 1TB SSD has never been this cheap - The Verge
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
I don,t even have a pension.
Italy citizenship referendum polarises country - BBC
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
We all went to grammer schools
When she asked me how she looked .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Cleveland-Cliffs, Tesla, GM, Blueprint Medicines, BioNTech, DraftKings, and More Movers - Barron's
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I never cut or harmed myself..
She was in good health!
I write beautiful poetry .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
How did it feel when experiencing gay sex for the first?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I will be 64.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
8 Signs You Should See a Cardiologist, According to Doctors - EatingWell
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
All the time i was locked up.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
So whats the point in blame.
He resisted the act ,that day.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
My family never makes their pension either.
Would this be the day?
We were not on the streets..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I was very sick at this time too.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I waited trembling.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He knew the spot.
She married twice! .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I could never make a relationship work though!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She loved him until the end.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was seconnd youngest,
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
She wouldn,t have been !
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Put me off passion for life!!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Im still living with it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Comes on , in middle age.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What did i know ?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My life is so biszare .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One cannot live in the past .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I was 9 years of age.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
It was going to be , some day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Was to survive, this bastard.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
But it wasn’t much.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Who then, do I blame.?
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Ive learnt so much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
But, we were locked up after school.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I said to her
This is soul school!.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.